Author Archives: P@H

This week, I really have nothing to talk about (writer’s block is bad, especially if you’ve made a living off panty jokes and dating your cousin once or twice or more). I thought about making fun of award shows, with the Grammy’s fresh in the brain and the Oscars even fresher in the brain (I’m writing this before the Oscars’ airing, but I would bet anything that Jackass Two wins best picture and Larry the Cable Guy will win best actor for his poignant portrayal of the rural American working man in his debut film Health Inspector, which he really showed his range)…but that isn’t necessary because award shows pretty much do that for me by being so ridiculously ridiculous (the Dixie Chicks…really?). Continue reading →

Maryville, TN—As the same crappy music comes and goes, one-hit-wonders flourishing in an industry now run by corporations and money-hoarding evil bastards, Maryville College natives Chris Hollander (lead guitar and vocals) and Evan Giordano (vocals and whistler) have continually hit the music scene with a fresh style all of their own, penning themselves Cumbernut (a tribute to Seven Mary Three’s rock hit “Cumbersome” and nuts). Continue reading →

Ahhh, J-term. Three weeks of late nights, trips to Knoxville bars—or Bar Knoxville on Thursdays (whooo!!)—parties, drunken orgies, and recklessness. Taking the “liberal” of Liberal Arts to the extreme for a hazy blur of time that’s a little less than a month long. Just another aspect of Maryville College curriculum making us students well-rounded and prepared for the real world…of ancient Rome. Regardless of majors, ALL students must enroll in and master statistics, two random (but indescribably important) science classes, various seminars of some kind or whatever, and of course functioning on large volumes of alcohol and low hours of sleep—the latter brought to you exclusively by our beloved MC J-term. Somewhere between the festivities is class…and if you are a senior, like I am, you are supposed to be taking Ethics. Continue reading →

Welp, it’s been about—what?—two weeks since Thanksgiving, so in one more week it will be time to take down the Christmas decorations and start preparations for Valentines Day, then Washington’s Birthday, and then National High Five Day—which falls on Aprils 19th next year. High Five! But until then, we can all enjoy this festive season, full of gayness and manly back massages—gayness meaning happiness and massages meaning…well, I’m a lonely guy, I have tense muscles, and I live with three men, so we share back rubs, but with only minimal oils and hardly any incense—it’s a real gay time—don’t judge. Continue reading →

The year is coming to an end and it brings with it another semester … unfortunately, I doubt the New Year will bring the end of the world—there isn’t any Y2K&6 bugs that I know of and I think Nostradamus said the end of the word will only come after a turtle has sex with a mongoose and their lovechild is an albino manatee, and although I’m not an avid CNN watcher or reader, I think I would have heard of something like that happening—so it looks like the world is stuck with us for at least a little bit longer. Saying “us,” I refer, of course, to humans, or a better term, idiots. Continue reading →

Somehow, as a writer, I have been erroneously labeled a soccer-hate-monger, simply because two years ago I humbly stated my opinion that the downfall of more traditional (and better) sports such as basketball, baseball, and football amongst our nation’s youth was on the hands (or feet, I suppose) of soccer. That soccer is for short kids—too short for basketball—who think football is too rough and baseball is too difficult. I don’t have a clue where this misinterpretation of my words and misrepresentation of myself arose, giving me a black mark in the soccer realm. Oh, I also may have said something along the lines of “I hate soccer.” Continue reading →

As I recently made my way into a local O’Charley’s—greeted by six or seven young, attractive women (when your that pretty, it usually takes six or seven of you to open a door and say hi, take a party’s name and seat them), all of who smiled a smile, which they are required to do but would have done so anyways, and who will talk days about me amongst their friends, about the “weird looking guy, who, although odd, was still cute and unforgettable…cute the way a sick, two-headed puppy is cute…you know, that guy!” (hey! cute is cute!)—I realized something. Continue reading →

I was walking around campus last Saturday, after finishing my homework, doing what I love most: helping orphans with their homework—or maybe it was Wednesday during Lit class, but replace “helping” with “throwing apples at” and replace “orphans” with “squirrels,” and replace “squirrels” with “orphan squirrels.” What I noticed to be different than usual was my marksmanship. I missed only once, but made up for it when the clouds parted and the heavens guided the next Granny Smith to the acquaintance of 2 squirrels, coming as nearly to the literal truth of killing two birds with one stone as humanly possible while holding only an apple in a stone’s stead. Continue reading →