The Pete-isms

Who says chivalry is dead: I hold automatic doors for people – and I hold revolving doors for people.

If you can trust some one just about as far as you can throw them….does that mean midgets are an extremely trustworthy people? Because I bet I can chuck one of ‘em suckers pert damn far….

If pigs ever gain the evolutionary ability to fly…a whole lot of shit is gunna go down

They say if life gives you lemons, make lemonade…but this seems like a huge advantage for the people receiving lemons. What about the people that get better things than lemons, you know, to start with, but can’t really improve upon it. Like ice cream? What if life gives you ice cream? Hardly seems fair. Or what if life gives you a big handful of terds? Make terd-ade? That is not a very lucrative business, from what I’ve heard.

Quitting is just the first step at trying something new.

If God created us in his likeness…shouldn’t more people have beards?

Have you heard of this tearless shampoo for kids they are selling now? I’m left wondering if they got the technology…why in the hell ain’t all shampoo tearless? I mean, why do I want my eyes seized by the red sting of fiery teariness while little Billy can just go about his bathing without a care in the world? It’s bullshit.

How come zombies never seem to have their own brains eaten? I mean, I never see huge skullular bite marks or any other indications of gluttonous brain-eating…Is it just not done? Amongst the zombie community, is it, like, frowned upon?

How ‘bout this one Buddha… If a tree falls in the forest, and the only person present is a deaf guy, pressing his hear all Beethoven-esquely to the ground, like it was a baby grand, does the impacting tree still make a sound? What if he was blind too? And one-handed, with an incredibly unquenchable yearning to clap?

One time, a man looked at me wrong…like I said, one time—no, actually, it happens more often than you’d think.

If I were a woman…I think I would have my period start on the 11^th. I fucking hate the 11^th.

I really like the idea of the Big Brother program (not the T.V. show) for under privileged kids… It can give hope to any child, and the big brother sorta serves as a 3^rd dad…right behind the kid’s real dad…who follows T.V.

I tried stuffing my underpants with a sock…but it didn’t look any bigger…actually, it just looked like I had two penises…or possibly a sock in my underpants.

I think that an hour should only be 30 minutes instead of 60, so then there would be 48 hours in a day…that way we can all get more sleep.

I recently found out that there isn’t any chili served in the country of Chile…has the whole world gone mad? This is analogous to Turkey not serving any turkey. Or Tajikistan not serving any tajikistan.  What is a tajikistan, you ask? It is pretty much the equivalent to the American “walking taco”…only instead of the delicacy being served in a Frito bag, it is served in a dog’s skull. And instead of Fritos and taco meat and other taco accessories, it is dog brains. Okay, the fuckers eat dog-head.

One of these days I am going to start flossing…and then when I go to the dentist, I’ll say, “What now, bitch?” The dentist and his minions will be rendered speechless and sent back to the fiery depths of hell whence they came.

I spilt some milk one time…I don’t care what you say or think—I was really craving cereal and there was only a little milk left in the jug and I had already poured the cereal…so, I cried.

I wonder if Jesus’ farts still stunk…

My name is Peter and yet I have never eaten a pumpkin…I feel like I should apologize to someone.

I was Touched by an Angel once…inappropriately.

I saw a guy wearing a thumb ring the other day…what in the hell is up with thumb rings? Do people (adults) really wear them? I guess it’s just the thumb’s never-ending struggle of convincing the other four digits that it is indeed a finger…

Some women have said that the quickest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach…well that guy in Indiana Jones II (the bad one)—you know, that guy—he got their pretty quick right through the chest…which turns the world of modern dating upside down.

I personally believe that Voltaire was the single best American author whose name started with a “v”, ended in an “e”, is an anagram for Irate Vol, and wasnt born in America…..although Vlariote wrote some good stuff….

Do you think apples are racist? And that the Reds are just holdin’ the Greens down?

Is there a generation gap between raisins and grapes?

Do you think there are a bunch of unlucky, footless rabbits hopping—more or less—around out there?

I wonder if blind people believe in love at first face-feel…

What if you get your plunger clogged in the toilet?

The great thing about Latex gloves is that you can use one as a condom five times.

I say screw Atkins… An all-brains diet seems like a much better idea. How many fat zombies have you seen?

If vampires have no reflection, how the hell do they get ready to hit the town? That’s why you should always be weary of unkempt people. (Especially if they are biting your face.)

Panty Raid while in college = Good, clean fun…. Panty Raid while 43, divorced and balding = Awkward, creepy, some jail time.

I learned that strippers don’t so much care for monopoly money; however, they tolerate that more than throwing motels at them. Those little red cubes can break skin, man.

Turns out, there’s a big difference between making love in the green grass behind the stadium and making love TO the green grass behind the stadium…both’ll get ya kicked out of the fucking stadium, both’ll get ya chiggers (which is a kind of bug, not some terrible racial slur), but only one will elicit high fives from friends….

The best things in life are free…someone needs to get the word out to hookers.

I bet the Jews would have made it out of the desert in 20 years if they were promised the Land of Milk and Cookies.

Only humans could mastermind a device such as the Leaf Blower: A Two-horsepower (horses can’t blow very hard, everyone knows that) Gasoline-powered Somebody-else’s-problem Machine.

Formula for True-Fish-Size (Y) derived from Men’s Fishing Yarns; where X = the alleged fish size, and N = time passed since episode: Y = 7/9 • (X + N) – N………………it is also surprisingly accurate for Actual-Penis-Size (only N = the number of girls the man claims to have had sex with).

I am going to put a strawberry air freshener on my bedroom wall…and a vanilla one on another and then a chocolate one on another…that way my room will smell like Neapolitan.